23 year old girl scientist, happily married to a man in uniform. In my 2nd year of my PhD, new home owner, and owner of 1 dog and 2 cats.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

late night ramblings

It's 12:59 am and I'm still wide awake. I just finished folding the 6 loads of laundry I did over the weekend- sheets, towels, workout clothes, all the lonely socks who have lost their partners. How do I manage to lose socks in the journey from my feet to the dryer? It's the Borrowers. I read that book when I was younger and loved the idea of little people taking the things I misplaced.

I've spent this weekend scrubbing, cleaning, chloroxing, washing, organizing, trying to get my life back in order. I'm realizing how much I overextend myself. I have so many wonderful friends that I try to fit in my schedule. Add that to a full time job, PhD work, more homework than I have time to do, helping to write a huge grant by February 1st, being a wife, and trying to exercise 4 times a week? No wonder I have no personal time anymore.

I'm learning to say "no" when I don't have time for something or just simply don't want to. Too often I'll say "sure" when inside, I'm cringing and wishing I hadn't. Sure I'll come to dinner! Sure I'll hang out with you tonight when I should be writing my grant. Sure you can come over, and everyone else can too, and I will cook FOR ALL OF YOU PEOPLE when what I really, really need is a few evenings of uninterrupted alone time with my husband. Looking back over the past few weeks, there are very few nights he's off that we don't have someone over or we aren't going somewhere.

miss the carefree, silly days of my undergrad, when I'd sleep in late, skip classes, shop during the day, go out dancing till early the next morning, then repeat. Life has changed so much for me and I don't identify with that girl anymore. That life seems so... shallow and insignificant when I look back on it. What was I living for? Where was the "meat" of my life? My husband, my research, my education, my faith, family, friends, my house & animals... they all mean so much to me. As much as I complain about my "grown-up" obligations, they are more than worth it. I wouldn't trade any of this for all the free time in the world. Without Fritz to come home to at night and curl up with, all of that silly stuff would mean absolutely nothing. As stressed as I am now, I've never been happier and more aware of my existence.

On a completely unrelated note, Murphy has thrown up 3X tonight and is looking miserable. He keeps laying at my feet giving me these sad, pathetic puppy dog eyes. I gave him a rawhide earlier and it must not have agreed with him, poor pup!


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