23 year old girl scientist, happily married to a man in uniform. In my 2nd year of my PhD, new home owner, and owner of 1 dog and 2 cats.

Saturday, December 18, 2004

Sign on the dotted line, please

After I got home from Christmas party last night, I was thinking of my current/past friendships. Some failed, some have flourished, and was thinking why.Before becoming friends with me, I should make all FF (future friends) sign a disclosure & notification form, like the following.

Fascinating Future Friendship Form
Please read carefully and sign at the bottom

I understand that being friends with Sarah will put me at risk for:
  • bodily harm in the form of over-eating
  • constantly getting lost and driving around Orlando for an hour and a half during simple shopping spree
  • bankruptcy after said shopping spree
  • ear-aches as a result of listening to her chatter about any of the following options: school, work, husband, family, friends, shopping, entertainment industry, food, blogging, and major pet peeves.
  • arrest when she loses her temper and yells at the policeman grabbing her rear
  • learning to be patient and understand (and fully embrace) her tendency to be a little late and neglecting to make specific, set-in-stone plans. Flexibility is key.
  • countless and never-ending stories about C. It's been 11 years of friendship, people. You're just going to have to listen. Jealousy should not be one of your characteristics.
  • Psycho paranoia, especially during certain times of the month, when sensescrazy-woman tendencies are heightened.
  • Questions may be re-asked and also may be more personal than you ever imagined. Will also probably often be sex-related.

Also, I understand to never, ever, ever*:
1. flirt with her husband
2. tell her she's looking very fat lately
3. tell her she really shouldn't be eating that cookie, ice cream cone, entire tray of rice-crispies
4. take out my bad mood on her
5. say catty, bitchy passive aggressive comments
6. steal her clothing, books, cd's, husband, kittens, or underwear
7. talk badly about her behind her back
*numbers 1, 5, 6, and 7 qualify for immediate dismissal

Further requirements of friendship are:

1. hugs
2. frequent phone calls, emails and chats
3. laughing (together at stupid, senseless things, or at her hilarious humorous jokes, or at her when she behaves badly)
4. loyalty
5. sharing all interesting gossip with her immediately

In return, she will be one of the most loyal, devoted, fun and exciting friends you've ever had. You can enjoy full access to her closet, bookshelves, refrigerator & pantry, family's lakehouse and horses, loveable purring cats, tail-wagging Stinker Dog, and all snacks she carries in her purse. She will never steal your husband/boyfriend or flirt unnecessarily with him. She may be late for plans, but will apologize profusely. You will be set up with all available men if you are single, and double dates will further ensue. Tips on makeup, dieting, weight loss, fashion, decorating, cooking, and gardening will be shared. Good times will be had by all, and comfort will be offered in bad times.



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